


Missing

by Sapphire09



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Death, Gen, M/M, Memory Loss, Sad, nobody is happy here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 08:01:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12453054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphire09/pseuds/Sapphire09
Summary: How do you know, if something was missing in your life, when you don't even remember what it is?





	Missing

**Author's Note:**

> This is sad and a little disjointed, with some mistakes both grammar and typo. Maybe a bit fast-paced, but I’ve learned if I try to do something multi-chaptered, odds are I’m gonna take my delicious time updating it. There’s also death, and you probably already guessed who before finishing paragraph 2. There’s also pain….. Now, what else…..
> 
> Oh, no one is happy in this. NO ONE.

 

“ _Isn’t something missing?” - Evanescence “Missing”_

* * *

Amnesia and Bucky have been familiar with each other. It was nothing new, the feeling he get when he realized the emptiness and holes inside his memory. After all, he had once a period of time when he didn’t know who he was. Didn’t even care, actually. It was a time when all he knew was the Winter Soldier, a line of soldiers created for one purpose only. He was one of them, an older model,  that was all he needed to understand. There was also a time when he was the only one, before there were more and he was simply another Winter Soldier.

But, this time was different. It was a different kind of forgetting. This time, he understood very well something was missing, even though he had a hard time identifying what the hell he was missing this time. 

But, it was okay. He took his time, identifying and recognizing the world around him, the people that surrounded him. He learned to keep his pace, slow and steady, learning to ask the people around him whenever there was an inkling for familiarity.

Knowing that he was missing something wasn’t the worst thing to happen.

What was worse was nobody said anything. Steve was silent, when Bucky could remember the time when Steve would tell him everything, about everyone, things that was lost in his old memory, or new things that was part of their lives now. Things that Bucky didn’t care to remember, or things that he didn’t know he wanted to know. But, when he asked now, about that  _something_ , Steve clammed up, and  _lied._

_“There was someone, surrounded by metal and red - gold - sunset? And the blue…sky? … Who was that?”_

_“…Maybe you’re thinking of Falcon, Buck. His suit has red on it and he flies. His wings are also made of metal.”  
_

_“No , not Falcon…. Someone…. There was - someone, that made me - laugh, but…”_

_“….Maybe Vision? His skin is red, he also flies. And, he’s basically made of metal.”  
_

_“….No, I….”  
_

_“You should rest, Buck. I’ll go buy us some lunch. What do you want?”  
_

_“…..Cheeseburger sounded good.”_ He didn’t miss that Steve had flinched, just a little.

_“…..You sure? I thought you were craving pizza yesterday. Clint already ordered an extra large meat lover pizza,” Steve enticed.  
_

_“Mmh yeah, I dunno, I keep thinking about cheeseburgers today.”  
_

_“….’lright, if that’s what you want. I guess more pizza for me.”  
_

When Steve returned, he realized he didn’t like cheese much. He could eat it, but he’d rather have a double beef burger, more meat instead of cheese. But somehow the taste brought something heavy in his chest, something that made him want to cry, but there was also something terribly -  _fond -_. 

Something,  _something -_

_‘What is it I’m missing?”  
_

* * *

It might’ve began when Bucky woke up in a room that didn’t feel right, even though it was the room he had lived in for years now. His flesh hand was reaching out to something beside him with tears in his eyes, cheeks wet and cold. He didn’t remember what it was he was dreaming, if he really did dream. When he came to, all he knew was the void within him that seemed to come out of nowhere.

Bucky took a minute to assess his surroundings as he wiped the wetness off his face, trying to make sense of his own feeling and took note of  _what is it that I’m missing?_ Nothing in his room had been touched, everything was the way they were before he went to sleep. He tried to remember, if there was something he missed. He counted the people he’s been seeing around the place in his head.  _Steve. Natasha. Sam. Clint. Wanda. Scott. Rhod -._

_‘Ah, that must be who I forgot.’_

He glanced to the paper he stuck to his bedside table, recounting the names.  _Steve. Natasha. Sam. Clint. Wanda. Scott. Rhodes._

_‘No, it wasn’t - Rhodes? That doesn’t sound right - but, that is his name.’  
_

The void stayed, a gaping hole of nothing he had no name of, no reason to think of.

‘ _There’s something I’m missing.’_

The knocking on his door distracted him, though the void wasn’t something he could be distracted from. Bucky glanced towards his door, noticing that Steve already opened the door a little and his head peeked in.

“Oh, you’re awake. Want breakfast?” Steve asked once he noticed Bucky already sitting on the bed, a little smile on his face. If he noticed the dried tear-tracks on Bucky’s face, he didn’t mention it.

“What are you having today?”

Steve grinned. “Sam’s making pancakes. But, I’m craving meat, so I’m also making bacon and eggs. Which one do you want?”

Bucky wanted meat.

“I’ll have a pancake. But, set some of the bacons too. I’m feeling really hungry.”

Steve nodded and smiled again. “Alright, you want some fruit to go with your pancakes? Wanda bought some plums this morning.”

He liked plums.

“Have some blueberries? I think I want that.”

There was that strange look again that passed thorugh Steve’s face, another flinch.

 _What is it, what is_ it?

“….’kay, blueberry pancakes with a side of bacon, coming up. You should go wash your face now, Buck. I’ll wait for you in the kitchen.”

After Steve left, Bucky stood up and went to the bathroom adjoining his bedroom. He went for the sink, quickly washing his face. When he caught his reflection in the mirror, he stared at the reflection staring back at him.

‘ _What am I missing? What are you missing?’_

His right hand moved towards the mirror, touching the empty space beside his reflection.

The chasm seemed to grow.

Pulling his hand back, he shook his head, trying to clear his head. This amnesia thing was starting to get him, since for as far as he knew,  _nothing_  was amiss. Sure, he realized he’s been kept out of missions, but he understood the reason.

What he can’t understand was why no one seemed to be inclined to tell him just what it is he was missing. All they told him was that yes, he did forget something. What it was, everyone just told him he’ll know. That he shouldn’t rush to remember. That he should take it easy.

When he asked why he had amnesia, they just told him that there was a trauma. He woke up all healed, no cuts or bruises on his skin, so he wondered what had happened. But, no one would give him a clear answer, just citing  _trauma_  over and over again, insisting he should remember on his own.

At first, he didn’t think much about it. He remembered everything else, his name, where he was, what year it is. It wasn’t as bad as his time with HYDRA, so he took their advice and didn’t think much on it. He’ll remember eventually.

But, there was a yawning, gaping hole somewhere in him, an emptiness he didn’t even realize before. a void that  _missed_ , the nothingness that he couldn’t ignore. He didn’t know what it is, but he wondered if what he was missing was half of his soul.

Bucky could feel it the overwhelming sadness that sometimes hit him out of nowhere, he didn’t even know why. The feeling of being incomplete, something that he hadn’t felt even as Winter Soldier.

_(As if he’d once known how it feels to be whole, and now that he’s no longer whole again, the void became a reminder that won’t disappear)_

Bucky washed his face again, trying to distract himself from the thought. Without looking at the mirror again, he quickly reached for a towel and dried his face. Before anymore thought could bubble up, he quickly walked through the hallways and into the kitchen.

“G’d mornin’,” he greeted. Natasha was craddling a cup of coffee on her seat, Clint sat by her side, looking no better. Wanda was helping Sam with his pancakes, while Steve was frying bacons on the other stove. Scott and Rhodes were absent, but he didn’t think they were at the compound that often, anyway.

When he entered, there was a smell in the air, one that didn’t smell like the food they were making. There was a smell of engine oil. faint, but it was there. But, everyone in the room was still in their pyjamas, except maybe steve and Sam who's already showered after their regular run. There was no one that might've come near some kind of machinary long enough that the smell would still linger in the room.

“Did someone came? I smelled engine oil” he asked. There was a weird delay where Bucky noticed Clint suddenly looked much more alert and awake and Natasha glanced up, staring at him from from above her coffee cup, a sharp look in her eyes. Even Steve had flinched.

"Oh, engine oil?" Sam asked back. He flipped another pancake before he continued.

“That might've been Scott. He came by earlier to pick up something he got delivered. I think it was some kind of rare brand engine oil. He told me he’s been trying to get his hands on it for a while, so he was really excited when he found someone that sells them online. Got them delievered here instead of his own home, since he wasn’t sure there’d be someone to receive it there since he's been busy as Ant-man, lately.”

Bucky nodded, but the smell of engine oil was somehow stuck in his mind.

 _(It smelled more like home than the sight of his own bedroom, an echo of laughter and excitement -_ whose? _)_

Bucky mentally shook his head, thinking it was probably because he’d worked with cars in his past, that’s why the oil smelled familiar.

 _(But, it never smelled like home, not like_ now _)_

"Oh, is he some kind of a mechanic in his spare time?" Bucky asked, trying to keep the _feeling_ down. Bucky continued walking as if he didn't realize that no one was looking as sleepy as they did before he asked the question.

"...some kind, yeah. You wanted blueberry, right?"

After Bucky took a seat, breakfast was ready to be served. On his plate, Bucky watched the stack of blueberry pancakes , complete with blueberries adorning the top.

By his first bite, the feeling surfaced again. The feeling that made him want to cry, that made his breath shorter and made his lungs felt too full of air. He gulped, trying to keep those feelings down.

He remembered he didn’t like blueberries much either. But, he didn’t want to stop eating.

_(He didn’t want to eat anymore)_

Even after he was full, he didn’t think the hole in him got any smaller.

_What is it, what is it, that I’m missing so much?_

* * *

Curious and a little frustrated, he decided to do a bit more active investigation. Even one-armed, he thought he could manage to get into the more secluded area of the compound. He might not going to find much before either Natasha or Clint found him, but at the very least he’d like to know about his arm. He wondered if that was what he was missing, considering he hadn’t been without an arm since HYDRA planted the metal one on him. Even after, he was quite sure he had an arm too, before whatever trauma he went through.

The emptiness did fill like losing a limb all over again.

_(Or, is it worse? These felt more like all his being have been pieced off than just another limb)_

He sneaked around,trying to dig deeper into the compund, entering restrictive areas with ease, using the numbers that he remembered on the back of his mind. His fingers moved around the console before he even realized he  _wasn’t supposed to know the password._

_‘…How do I know how to enter this place?’_

He was on the right track. His racing heartbeat was loud in the empty hallway. His right hand shook as he reached the unloocked door.

He stopped.

He remembered how everyone insisted he should wait. That he shouldn’t rush. The memory will come.

How no one seemed to be in a hurry to help him remember.

He wondered,  _is it something I want to remember?_

_Shoul I remember it? Was it important?_

The chasm got bigger, the void got deeper, the emptiness  _grows_.

Whatever it is he forgot, he wondered if having those memories back will only make  the emptiness grows. If he should -  _stop_.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, and locked the door back. When he returned to his room, it was right before Clint came and asked him to join him on video games.

They played mario kart for the rest of the afternoon, until Steve came and reminded them of dinner.

This time, he refused the offer and went to bed early.

When he woke up, his arm was reaching for the empty side of the bed again, pillows wet by his tears and his throat was throbbing, as if he had screamed in his sleep.

 _(The emptiness, there was something that was supposed to be_ there,  _but not. What was it,_ who was it?)

He still couldn’t remember anything but black.

* * *

In the end, his curiosity won out his fear. He wanted to know what was it that he missed. What was the thing that was supposed to settle inside him, the missing thing that left a gaping hole inside himself?

So, he sneaked again, this time when everyone else was asleep. He made sure of it.

 _(No one suspected a thing, not even the Black Widow. He made sure, even with his limited recources. There was something like glee bubbling in him, something almost childish and the want to grin and share that moment together -_ who? Please, who is it, who are you? _)_

He thought there was supposed to be a system around the building, someone (something) he could simply ask to check about the perimeter, the condition of those he had left sleeping. The world’s most advanced security system -

‘ _Was there such thing? What was it? Who made it?’_

The numbers didn’t change, His hand still remember without him thinking too much on it, and the door was opened once more. He straightened himself, expecting some traps, or -

 _His arm_.

He let out a gasp as he saw it, the chromatic grey glinted when the little light hits its surface. Without realizing it, his feet already moved on their own, towards the case that displayed his arm.

He tried to open the case, afraid of sudden alarms and perhaps sudden arrival of the other Avengers. But, nothing resounded when he finally lifted the lid. He touched the smooth metal surface -  _vibranium_  - and wondered,  _why is it here?_

He lifted the arm with his remaining hand, marvelling at the beauty and - the  _masterpiece_  of it. As his scrunitized the arm, somehow his brain made the connections on its own, the capabilites of said arm just by looking at the plates and ihow they connect. Then, he carefully put the arm on a nearby table -  _steel, a worktable, why is it so clean? It was never cle -_ and scrunitized the fingers.

There was a thin band of gold, circling on its ring finger. There was something red on it, and more gold, also a blue glow in the middle that looks like -

_Oh._

His fingers shook as he reached to touch that golden band. His memories rushed out of the locked corners he didn’t realize was there in his mind. 

He didn’t know how long he was standing there, staring at the gold band adorned with a mini arc reactor instead of sapphire. He couldn’t - _think_.

He was still staring when there was a ruckus, people hurrying to where he was. There was a familiar  _hum -_

 _“_ Don’t move,” War Machine’s modulated voice said from behind him, repulsor aimed straight at his head. Steve and the others have just arrived at the door, each of them armed and ready to fight.

Bucky still couldn’t glance away from the  _ring_.

How could he forgot  _Tony?_  How can he forget the love of his life, his dearest  _one?_   _His husband._

Tony was the first person he reached for in the morning, the warmth on his side, the smell of coffee and oil and weird craving for all things cheese whenever he needed comfort. He was the first sound he heard when he wakes up and the last voice he heard before he went to sleep. He was -

His heartrate climbed higher and higher, his breaths only got shorter as more memories wrung him apart. There was a careful voice, asking -  _something._

 _“_ Sergeant Barnes, stand down.”

>  “ _James_?”

_Tony was his life. His heart. his soulmate. His_ beloved.

“Buck? Bucky, can you hear us, pal?”

There was a hand, just milimeters from his own. Cautious, but trying to comfort.

“Where’s Tony?” he asked, voice hoarse and wet. He wondered if he was crying again.

(At least now he remembers why.)

Steve, everyone, they looked like they were in pain. He didn’t realize he was already shaking his head, stepping further from this group of  _liars_.

“Buck,” there was pain in Steve’s voice. He stepped closer, and Bucky stepped further. In a moment of desperation, he grabbed his arm , using his feet to kick and run while arming himself with that arm. It quickly locked with the machination in his shoulder, just in time to face War Machine’s repulsor. By instinct, he used the newly-attached arm as a prop as he spun to evade the repulsor fire and used his leg to kick the armor’s face. Using that point of contact as momentum, he dove towards Steve, knocking the super soldier back as he tried to run to the door. There were others ready to intercept him, but  _he’ll manage_. He'll mow them down if he has to.

_(Liar, liars, they've known how much Tony means to him)_

He needs to find Tony.

 _(Where was he? Why didn’t he visit? he would remember him, just one look, just a glance. Just a voice, call his name. He would remember,_  he would. _Where was Tony?)_

Suddenly, there was pain on his leg and he stumbled. He glanced down, there was blood spreading across his thigh. He glanced back, to see Rhodes aiming a gun at him. His faceplate was up and there was as much pain as there was anger in his expression. From the look on his face, Bucky was sure the man will shoot again if he dared to stand.

“Rhodes!” Steve cried out, but it didn’t look like he was willing to really go against the War Machine either, even though his face said he would like to.

 _(Always the best friend, even though his face was littered with bruises that Bucky's metal arm put there,_  'liar liar pants on fire')

“Go ahead, stand up, Barnes,” Rhodes growled out as he walked closer to where Bucky struggled to get up. There was something in the bullet - a paralytic agent, maybe? that made it harder for Bucky to stand up _._

 _“Stand up!”_ Rhodes yelled again. “I’ve been waiting for a chance to put a pullet in your head, for  _what you did to my best friend!”_

_No._

No, it can’t  _be._

_(Liar, liar!)_

“Rhodes, it wasn’t  _him!”_

Rhodes ignored Steve’s words, his armored boots stepping even closer to Bucky, until the gun was only inches away from his head. Steve tried to come closer, but there was a repulsor aimed towards Steve, and Rhodes haven’t looked away from Bucky.

“Go ahead, stand,” Rhodes snarled, “ _I dare you.”_

> _“Oh, come on, sweetheart! I dare you.”  
>  _
> 
> _“A dare, is it? Well, if it’s a dare, I guess.”  
>  _
> 
> _“Don’t play coy with me, James. I know you’ll love it! Here’s a hint, it’s something related to me! And you love me, don’t you?”  
>  _

_“Birthday_ ….” Bucky muttered, seeing nothing but the memories. “It was my birthday. A date….”

There was a flinch, the gun wavered but it was still aimed towards his head. 

It doesn’t matter. 

> _“Well, I do love everything and anything about you.”  
>  _
> 
> _“See? I promise it’ll be something real special, something no one ever has before. Well, except me, since it’s about me. But, trust me, I won’t steer you wrong.”  
>  _
> 
> _“Hmm, I don’t know… Remember that marinara incident?”  
>  _
> 
> _“…That doesn’t count! But, point. I promise this time it won’t be like the marinara incident, though!”  
>  _
> 
> _“It;s okay. You know I’ll always trust you, Tony.”_

A blush, a shy smile, reserved only for him. Then, they were in Tony’s childhood home, an empty tomb filled with Tony’s own demons. But also his own angels, his better childhood, even though they were among his worst ones too.

In the years since they got together, even since they were married, Tony never said anything about this, about his childhood home. About when he created his first circuit board, Jarvis had tripped on his feet when he realized what it was Tony had built. About the spots where he spilled a bit of his chocolate cake, where his hiding spots were when he played hide-and-seek. About the little crack on a door where he had kicked a bit too hard when throwing a tantrum. There was also a part of the wall, hidden behind a big cabinet, filled with drawings he’d made as a child.

It was the best gift Tony had ever given him. He loved it, loved  _him_.

“Are you - Are you remembering?” Rhodes asked from above him, but Bucky was too far gone in his memories. The gun moved away, but still aimed at him, as Rhodes continued to rage.

“No! No, you don’t get to do this again! Don’t you  _dare_  -!”

> _The clock strikes twelve. It was midnight._
> 
> _“Oh, wow. I guess your birthday is officially over,” Tony said, soft smile on his face. So soft….  “So, there’s a room here I prepared for us, if you want the next part of your gift, Soldier,” Tony leered._
> 
> _Bucky didn’t reply._  Why didn’t he reply?
> 
> _“James?”_

_Oh……_

>   _His arm moved on its own, grabbing Tony by the neck and held him down, cutting of his air supply. He used his knee to hod down the sternum. Something cracked. There was no weapon on his person, only the arm._
> 
> _There was confusion, terror, as Tony clawed the hands around his neck, his flesh hand scratching uselessly against vibranium, trying futilely to fight back. His Iron Watch blinked red, then there was a crash and an Iron Man armor crashed in. The armor managed to lift Bucky up, but his hands were still around Tony’s neck._
> 
> _A little slide, a little turn, a little more strength, and he broke Tony’s neck._

_“No…”_ he muttered, eyes wide and staring at nothing. “No, it didn’t - It was a dream - a nightmare….”

Steve stared at Bucky, lying on the floor, eyes full of tears staring straight at nothing, much less the gun Rhodes still has in his gauntlet. He was muttering the same thing again, all over again.

“NO!” Rhodes yelled out, his other hand twisting Bucky’s collar, pressing and pushing Bucky back and forth on the ground, frustrated and angry.

_“DON’T YOU DARE FORGET AGAIN WHAT YOU DID, YOU COWARD!”_

But, Bucky wasn’t stopping. His heartrate only got higher and higher, his breath got even got shorter. Natasha was suddenly by Bucky’s side, a syringe full of sedative in her hands. Sam when to Rhodes, trying to calm the Colonel.

“NO! Get off - He doesn’t get to forget! HE KILLED MY BEST FRIEND, YOU BASTARDS!”

Steve could only stare helplessly as Natasha plunged the needle through Bucky’s neck, and Rhodey raged and raged in his loss and grief.

* * *

“It wasn’t him,” Steve said, when Rhodey was calm and more numb than angry. Bucky was strapped on his bed now, because no one knew if he would remember or forget this time. If he does remember, they were afraid Bucky would try and kill himself again before any of them even realize he woke up. If he forgets, they didn’t know how much and how far he’ll remember, how much of him would be there, what kind of mentality he would be in. They already removed the arm, something that Steve had to painfully agree with. The arm was dangerous and made it too easy for Bucky to either kill himself or hurt someone else, and it was always a trigger for Bucky. But, they couldn't get the arm too far away from Bucky either, Tony's safety mechanism would activate instead there's no one in the world that can override it. 

“You think I don’t know that, Rogers?” Rhodey snarled. “I was there when Tony had to rationalize that when he knew Barnes killed his parents. I was there when Tony finally forgave Barnes and you all. I was there when Tony fell in love instead of hating the guy that killed his parents. I helped him realize that. I _know_ how much that guy love my best friend and I _know_ just how much  _it wasn’t him_ , but  _God_  I want to shoot him anyway. I might hate him less, if he just had the  _guts_  to actually  _fucking_   _remember and face what he did_!”

"It wasn't his fault," Steve wanted to say. But, he knew there was nothing he could say, nothing that can be made right. Not this. In the end, it doesn’t matter. Tony’s dead, and he’s not coming back. Rhodey lost his best friend, his brother. Steve lost another friend, and Bucky’s…..

Steve thought maybe he already lost Bucky, too. 

The tense silence between them was interrupted when Natasha arrived. She gave Rhodey a deferential nod, before taking a seat by Steve's side. 

“Scott and Wasp got us some intel,” Natasha informed softly, her voice still loud enough to reach Rhodey’s ears. “The found some notes about a safety measure, a precaution for every Winter Soldiers after the first almost got away when Captain America broke into their base. Some kind of time bomb that will trigger them, even without the words. It was a cautionary action to ensure their loyalty, or their end, even if somehow they got their triggers removed. They found that it wasn’t something anyone would know, especially the Winter Soldiers themselves. Not every HYDRA involved with the project knew. Those in the know was probably killed off too, until there was only people like Pierce that knew. Then, once the time limit passed, the Winter Soldiers will kill anyone on sight that wasn’t HYDRA.”

“So, for Bucky, his time limit was his last birthday, and Tony was the only person in his sight,” Steve concluded. A painful conclusion. Steve glanced back at Rhodey, whose face might as well was made of marble.

“Next time, make sure you contain the situation before I had to be notified, or I won’t aim for his leg again.”

Steve nodded, heartbroken. “Yes, Colonel.”

Steve watched as the man stood up, leg braces humming silently through the slacks. His gait have changed, there was a little of robotic stiffness that wasn’t quite apparent to regular eyes. Steve remembered when it wasn’t there at all.

Steve turned, watching through the little window on the door towards his best friend, whose sleep was never calm anymore, or dreamless. Always stuck to that moment, even when he couldn’t remember.

* * *

Bucky opened his eyes, wondering about the strange warmth that left him colder than before.

**Author's Note:**

> A/n: Steve was, again, a bit of a surprise here. I didn’t plan Steve to have a scene there at the end. In fact, any scene with Steve, either in here or in my previous stories that wasn’t about him, was never planned. 
> 
> I’m writing this as I listened to the song Missing - Evanescence, which is an old song that I’ve put back into my playlist. I have used that song for as songfic years (so many years, oh my god I am old) ago and the story still exist in my ffn account (it should anyway). Now I’m listening to it again and I felt like making something winteriron for it.  
> in tumblr: http://valeriacreativecenter.tumblr.com/post/166670334330/missing-winteriron-fic


End file.
